I’m going to rant about something that I don’t think I’ve ever /really/ talked about until today because it has scared me too much to even think about it. I live in complete (also likely irrational but it’s not to me) fear every minute of my life. Every minute of every day I am anticipating the arrival of bad news. I can never believe that “Tomorrow will be better” because tomorrow could be the day that I hear that someone I care about has died in some tragic accident or I could be diagnosed with a fatal disease or I could flunk out of college or any number of things. I can’t enjoy and look forward to the good things in life because I spend every waking moment (plus the nightmares I have about it when I sleep) trying to prepare myself for something horrible happening. Do you remember that episode of Spongebob where Sandy wanted to do all of those fun things before hibernation because she wouldn’t have time to do them otherwise? That’s basically me every day. I feel like I need happiness and security now because come tomorrow something could change and everything could be taken away from me and I would never get that happiness I’ve always wanted. I’ve tried to just “Forget the future and focus on the present.” But instead of that comforting me it just makes me more anxious about everything because now I can’t think far into the future. If you asked me what I was going to do next week I wouldn’t be able to answer because I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far ahead yet. Of course I know I have an appointment with my doctor next week, but even that’s not a certain thing. I could be dead or worse by then. Most of this is probably coming from my anxiety but I don’t want to sound like I’m making excuses. I wish I could just magically change the way I think. My friends have tried assuring me that everything is going to be okay but I just can’t make myself believe that and I’m sorry. If someone asked me if I could just start believing that the world is flat despite having been told all my life that it’s round, I couldn’t just change my belief unless someone gave me proof that the earth was round. It’s the same situation with my thought process. I took like three antihistamine pills before I started writing this and now I’m too out of it to think. I’m going to take another and hopefully go to sleep.